A Hazy Future

Three and a half years ago, my friend sent a text message to me telling me that my name was on the list in "pengumuman SPMB" (bahasa inggrisnya opo yo? hehehehe...). I was accepted at psychology faculty University of Indonesia. When I told my father and asked his permission, he looked he didn’t like the news. In fact, he told me to forget about it and asked me to continue studying accounting at University of Lampung. I felt anger instantly. At that moment, I hated my father. So, I locked myself at my bedroom, I didn’t say any words to my father, I was completely alienated myself from my parents, particularly from my father.

But then, I remembered I had a dream which was I wanted to study outside my hometown. I dreamed of continuing my study at UI. I wanted to expand myself and find new experiences. And somehow I had to bring my dream into reality. For that I studied hard preparing myself for the battle to get my dream. But, when I finally got my dream, would I let it slip away through my fingers? Hell, no. Would my father change his mind and let me pursue my dream if I stayed at my room and kept quiet? Of course not. So, with a blessing from my sisters, I fled my house and went to my sister’s house at Jakarta. For the first time in my life, I acted rebellious against my father.

Three and a half years since that event, now I’m already at my final year at the university. It so occurs to me how fast the time has flown by. I look deep inside of me and see how I’ve been changing. I once had a dream that I really wished to fulfill. I lived my life with enthusiasm because I knew I had a purpose. But now, I’ve changed. I don’t know how to live a life with enthusiasm anymore.

Like most of university students in their final year, I become clouded with unclear future. What will I do after my graduation? Will I get a job straight away after my transcript is handed down to me? What kind of job that I really want? Will I survive in a real world? Will I this? Will I that? Conclusion: the future becomes vague and it makes me fear it. Not to mention I have yet started my minithesis. Good Lord.

Oh, it seems that I have undermined my self-esteem that is already in a low point. I feel incompetence, have no future (it is so dark to me), and I feel that I’m nothing more than just a mediocre student. I feel so small. :(

Guess I need a booster to lift my self-esteem up again.

Who Will I Choose?

As I am writing this post, I am actually resting myself from reading books and journals. Obviously I need a diversion after more than three hours put my nose under those books and journals.

When I was a child—until my adolescence, I was dreaming one day I would marry a famous person. If I wasn’t about to marry one, well at least I would date anyone of those famous people. Please do mention Filipo Inzaghi, David Beckham, Robbie Williams, Jerry Yan, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and more. Yes, they were my dream guys.

At that time, I had a good relationship with teen magazines. As you may already know, most of the contents from teen magazines are about good-looking guys (ex. : handsome actors and singers), how to get attention from the opposite sex, how to make yourself noticeable by the famous boy at your school, and so on. Unconsciously, those magazines shaped my idea about “my dreaming guy” or “my prince charming”. If I had a boyfriend, he must have been handsome, tall, rich, smart, and most importantly, he must have been FAMOUS. Yes, famous. I didn’t care whether he was a movie star, a singer, a football player, as long as he was well-known. :p

But, as I get older, I become wiser. Or to be exact, I become more realistic. As my friend told me once, “There is no way you will get a famous person to be your boyfriend, if yourself isn’t famous. If you want a movie star to be your boyfriend, then be a movie star as well.” From what my friend had stated, I would like to add: at least you must have a link to that famous person. :)

So now, let me streak the word “FAMOUS” from my dreaming guy criteria.

My dreaming guy criteria: handsome, tall, smart, rich, famous, to be added more soon.

Okay, I already deleted one criterion. I still have the others. And I am pondering now: why do the other criteria remain? Why are they still on the list? I mean, I haven’t touched any teen magazines for ages so they would impossibly influence me anymore, right? Why wouldn’t I throw that list and prefer someone that could make me feel comfortable, happy, special, regardless whether he had my criteria or not?

Please, give me some time to think.

Ehm…

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Okay, I already found the main answer. The answer from my previous question is because I put too much concern what people might think about me and my future partner. I can’t put aside my parents’ advice titled “The criterion of a perfect spouse” (have a steady job, smart, etc.) or what my sisters told me about “How to recognize a scoundrel and how to avoid them”. This my inner circle’s thoughts induce me how I categorize a-perfect-spouse and a-so-not-perfect-spouse. Not to mention another external power gives me some influence on this. As if they conspire to punish me if I don’t marry or date a guy that fits their criteria. For example, “What do you see in him?”, “Why do you want to be with him? He doesn’t even have the latest Blackberry!”, “Oh, you are not soooooo match with him!”, “You two are the worst couple I’ve ever met!”, “You should date a guy that drives Ferarri”, etc.

Then it makes me thinking is it me or them that live my life? Why those people want to waste their time and energy deciding which men will fit as the perfect man for me? Why do they bother to judge me and my future-man? Why don’t they keep their mouth shut and get focused on their own life instead of mine?

But before I continue cursing, I should be introspective. The problem is me. It is my stance that isn’t sturdy enough. I must admit that I am easily swayed by people’s opinion. To be blunt, social world forms my identity: my thoughts, my ideal of man, my dreams, etc. For example I want to make my parents happy by doing what they ask from me. If they want me to stay away from a certain guy, then I’ll do it. If they want me to go back to them after finishing my bachelor study, so be it. And there are still more to add. Now, I can see a point where the external power will give a large impact on someone’s life.

Promptly, one question popped in my head: if one day, I met a guy that fell in love with me—and vice versa—but he wasn’t fulfilled any criteria about my dream guy and my parents didn’t agree me being with him, would I stay with him or I stay with my parents?

Time will answer. It always does.