It seems now people are writing love letters in their blogs. For thirty days! Can you imagine writing one love letter each day for a whole month? I can't. And I wasn't interested to write a love letter before. I'm never good at writing it. Besides, I don't know to whom those love letters I will send to. But then I think, why don't I just make one? You know, just following the crowds. There's no harm in that. Then, I've decided to send my love letter to you. You've never got one from me, have you?
Okay, so where do I begin? *inhale-exhale*
So... Papa, have I told you that since June last year I'm so afraid to lose you? It all started when doctor suggested you to go to Singapore and to get treatment for your cancer there. Your cancer came back. Now they're in your liver and your lung. I remember clearly that I looked at the doctor with disbelief. You said, "Ah, let's pray it's not cancer, Doc. Well, if it is, then I will go." But the doctor said confidently that it was cancer. And it was confirmed by PET scan result.
I remember you called your brothers and your friend on the phone and told them that you had cancer. You were crying when you told them that bad news. And I was crying with you. All I could do was only to hold you while you're still crying.
You know, every where I went I cried. On trains, in cars, in house, even in my sleep I cried. I wasn't ready if I ever lost you, since I almost lost you three years ago. I am never ready to lose you. I don't ever want to lose you. This cancer makes me realize how much I love you. I'm so afraid that this cancer will take you away from me. But, you said you didn't fear to die. You said you were more concern about your children if you die. Ah, Papa, even in your sickness you're still thinking about your kids.
I've been thinking lately. I've been thinking about how you raised me since I was born. I feel your tender care and your loving heart to me. And how you've been so patient to me in raising me. I guess you're never bored listening my jabbers when I was kid, were you? You were so patient answering all my questions. Even though, we were seldom to play together, but I don't really care.
Now, I'm thinking how can I repay you? I'm still jobless. I don't have money to buy you your favorite food or clothes or shoes from your favorite brand. But, I want to make you happy. If you're happy, hopefully you'll get well soon. I know you never ask anything in return. You once said as long as I was a good girl, loving you and mom, and taking a good care of you both, it should be enough.
To be honest, there is something hindering me. I've finished my study, I'll be 20-something next month, and I'm jobless. I want to get a job. I envy my friends when I look at them who already work. It is as if their lives are already settled, unlike me. Being a jobless is horrific. I told you this before.
But, I know I have to put aside my ego. I will postpone my plan to apply for jobs. Two of my good friends has told me that if I already get a job, there's no way to take care of you like I do now. Yeah, they've got the point. So, I'm trying now. I'm trying to be your good daughter like you want me to. I'll do anything you want me to do. You want me to accompany you to Singapore every two weeks, I'll go. Just tell me what do you want.
You will still have four more chemos. It will finish in April, hopefully. And until April comes, I will assisst you along the way.
With lots of love,