Dear readers, first of all I'm so sorry if my posts lately are too personal. And I'm so sorry if you're bored with that. I only want to share my feelings with you through this blog. And it appears lately I only want to talk about my father.
I've just come back home from Singapore. Next Sunday on February 12 I'll be leaving again to the country. Too be honest, it's very tiring. Can you imagine how tired I am now? And every two weeks I must go there accompanying my father. Unfortunately it's not a holiday trip or travelling for fun.
In 2009 when my father got his first cancer in colon, I wasn't really there for him. Thinking about it now makes me feel really sorry. I was too busy with my college at that time. I prefer college to my father! Can you imagine that?! Oooohhh I'm soooo damned! But I have to admit here, that I wasn't really close with my parents. I wasn't really care with them. Until I don't know how or why or when I was starting to change.
I want to be close with my parents. I want to love them with all my heart. I've been pondering more and more. I'm trying to fathom everything, including my parents. All of this is leading to one point that I actually love my parents. No matter what I have to make them happy and proud of me.
So, when my father asked me to come back home after I'd finished my study, I said yes. He wanted me to take care of him--at least until his chemo will finish, I said okay. Even though there are doubts, egoistic thoughts. Thoughts like "I want to find a job now" or "I'm tired already" keep coming in my mind, I'll always try my best to put them aside.
Please let me tell you this. It's not only the sick one that needs support, but we (as his/her family or loved ones) need support also. Since my father is sick June last year, I had been stress. I had cried. I was in one state that I wanted to go leaving my family behind. To be exact, that was when we're in Singapore for almost two months. My father was hospitalized and I wasn't going along really well with my mom and my big sister. Thank God, now I'm not like that anymore (but sometimes I often feel tired though). I'm not complaining nor whining. All I'm saying is taking care of our loved ones needs big effort and sacrifice. And it will be a lot easier when all family members are united and supporting each other.
My friend once said to me that taking care of our parents will get big big big rewards from God. Maybe now God will be thinking to forgive all my sins and He will send me to heaven in Judgment Day. I don't care about that. Since I have decided to be with my father for time being, not in the slightest bit in my mind I ask for rewards. Either from God or from mere mortal human. I'm simply doing all of this because I love my old man. I'm afraid I don't have a chance to take care of him. I don't know how long my father will live. I don't know how long I will live. So, as long as there is a chance to take care of my father, I'm taking it and doing it as best as I can.